pedialite and red bull = repair kit
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
