i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
