IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
