i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
