Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
