i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
