watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
