I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
