honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am available for nakedness
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
