I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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