if you like me you must not know who I am
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
