I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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