I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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