Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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