i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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