Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
