i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
