Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
