Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
