So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize