well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
