ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
