Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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