I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
