I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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