My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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