Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
