She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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