I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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