he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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