I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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