i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
