I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
