Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
