OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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