So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize