I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
