you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
