I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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