I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I love you. Go after that dick
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
