You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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