If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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