You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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