today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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