I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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