Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
