I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
