i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
