I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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