Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
