i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
