U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
