I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
