So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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