I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
