you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
