i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was like eating out sand paper
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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