how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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