Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
