my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
