just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
