He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
